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Thread: The world has come to an end - deconstructed coffee

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    The world has come to an end - deconstructed coffee

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    Member rusty888's Avatar
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    Oh no. Least they didn't bring out the beans and a hand grinder right?

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    Isnt there some kind of good judgement/character test that baristas need to pass before they can inflict their creations on the public? Surely this is a fail?
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    Senior Member Logga's Avatar
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    Good god, what next.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Logga View Post
    Good god, what next.
    Give 'em green beans, a burner a hand grinder, an aeropress and kettle and a cow...

    Please protect us from the stupids....
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    As terrifying as it sounds, we must be getting close to a cafe doing tableside roast to order coffee 'to deliver a premium fresh flavour'

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    The most hipster part of this is acting like they didn't know exactly what this was when it was ordered just so they can have a whinge on instagram

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    Reminds me of this recent newspaper column:


    =======================

    It always starts the same way. A bushranger with an armful of tattoos saunters over just as I’m about to deliver the punchline to a filthy story, looks around like a schoolteacher for silence and attention, then asks: “Have you eaten here before?”

    My heart sinks. I am about to be informed, after several decades of getting food successfully into my face (some say too successfully), how this restaurant “works”.

    “Chef’s dishes are designed to be shared,” Ned Kelly drawls through his luxuriant beard. But they’re not. Outside a Chinese restaurant, they hardly ever are. They are designed to make you sad, angry and mean-spirited.

    A slow-cooked organic hen’s egg, drizzled with a rich jus, arrives. This is very tasty, but I am with five other people and the bushranger has advised us that two portions will be sufficient for the table.

    The dish is made for sharing in the same way soup or chewing gum or an oyster is. I know few people well enough to share a runny egg with, and my dining companions aren’t among them. There are no serving utensils, so everyone just dives in. I don’t want to sound too Howard Hughes but after all their spoons have gone into the bowl a few times, I might as well be licking the inside of their mouths. That doesn’t usually happen until we hit the cog*nacs.

    Hygiene aside, who has the mathematical skills, let alone the honesty, to apportion food in a world where “one each” is an alien concept? How do three diners divide two lamb cutlets? Or worse, four? How much food is wasted, everyone wanting, but not daring, to clean the plate? How many friendships are soured by that greedy bastard (hey, it’s not always me) helping himself to the last slice of wagyu sirloin or taking more than his 16 per cent of the squid?

    In the 18th century British navy, survivors in a lifeboat would cut a fish or a seabird into as many portions as there were men, then one sailor would be asked, ”Who shall have this?” as each piece was held aloft behind his back. It was a crude way of ensuring fairness but my friends, strangers to the ways of the sea, have rejected my *attempts to reintroduce it.

    I hope the days of the shared plate are numbered. Yes, it means you talk about the food, but if you’re not being fed by Heston Blumenthal or Ferran Adria, maybe you should find richer *topics of conversation. And, yes, it avoids those “I didn’t have the lobster” arguments at bill time, but you really should have *exorcised those people from your life.


    Despite those minor pluses, I suspect in every group being taken on a shared culinary “journey”, half just want their own steak and to be allowed to slice it themselves. They don’t want to share their meal and they don’t care how the man behind the pans arrived at his rustic epiphany. So chefs, if you need to explain your “philosophy” on the menu, lift your game above boilerplate musings about passion and provenance.

    The truth might work.

    My food philosophy, born in the back alleys of Liverpool, is about sharing. Ever since I saw the price of beef going through the roof, I have tried to feed more with less. My other philosophy is about wages, and share plates let me employ staff who are incapable of getting six different dishes to your table at the same time, like in a proper restaurant. These philosophies underpin my main philosophy: it’s my place and you will be grateful to eat what I give you when I give it to you. Did I mention I have been a judge on a TV cooking show?

    I know, I know: it’s a First World problem. It’s different in the Third World. Many years ago, I was *invited to eat with a band of Sierra Leone militiamen who had prepared an enormous fish-head stew. Their leader caught my eye as I looked around for a bowl. “We are African,” he announced, *offended, as his men plunged their arms into the steaming cauldron. “We chop with our hands.”

    That was one of my earliest shared plates, and it tasted vile. But at least nobody wanted to deconstruct it, photograph it for their blog or charge me $85 for matching wines.
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    Awesome. Thanks for sharing!

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    Senior Member sprezzatura's Avatar
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    Ha! That was great!

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    Senior Member sprezzatura's Avatar
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    Now I want fish head stew and a Finca de la Café Comunitaria on a nitro pour.

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    Super Moderator Javaphile's Avatar
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    Straight to where the song starts: https://youtu.be/cHKjNd7qZQU?t=3m6s or watch below to include the intro!




    Java "Blast from the past" phile
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    Toys! I must have new toys!!!

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    Makes me think of these baby tears in babychino hipsters:
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    Senior Member sprezzatura's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Javaphile View Post
    Straight to where the song starts: https://youtu.be/cHKjNd7qZQU?t=3m6s or watch below to include the intro!




    Java "Blast from the past" phile
    Dr. Demento! Like ... wow, dude. I had a Spicoli moment.

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    Just when you thought that it couldnt get worse:
    http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/foo...82ee61c9266322
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    Wonder if it would be 'possible' to deconstruct this one so that there was ice-cream in the ice-cream cone, and coffee in a damn coffee cup ? 😂
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    Which inner north cafe is doing this? It's a bit of a laugh.

  19. #19
    Coffee+carbon=heaven Mono's Avatar
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    Sorry, ridiculous............ more work for the "barista" but should be cheaper for the consumer as you are being served not a coffee as such but the ingredients......

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    Senior Member sprezzatura's Avatar
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    It's actually sort of Italian in a way: in Italy you can get a demi or small cap cup with a normalé espresso and a jug of steamed milk and pour your own at your table.

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    But is it served by a Bushranger?
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    Senior Member sprezzatura's Avatar
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    No but a guy named Mario will serve you some fish head risotto to go with that Full French espresso that tastes like the glazed insides of an afterburner.

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    Super Moderator Javaphile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melbroaster View Post
    Just when you thought that it couldnt get worse:
    Coffee in a Cone: delicious dessert craze sweeps South Africa
    Last line in the article:

    Sadly ‘Coffee in a Cone’ is only available in South Africa, but hopefully Levinrad brings his rad invention Down Under!
    This is not true as at this years SCAA convention there was a company who had these cones available in a wide variety of flavor linings. They were one of the items I'd planned on posting pics of but unfortunately when I arrived home and went to download the almost 2,000 pictures from the trip that were on it the 4 month old card, a 32GB Samsung Evo (Never again!), was dead. All recovery attempts failed.


    Java "Not a happy camper!" phile
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    Senior Member Magic_Matt's Avatar
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    And now it's sounding very likely she made the whole thing up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sullyboy View Post
    The most hipster part of this is acting like they didn't know exactly what this was when it was ordered just so they can have a whinge on instagram

  25. #25
    Senior Member noonar's Avatar
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    Deconstructed coffees for Melbourne snobs, not hipsters: cafe manager - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

    According to a line in the above article quoting the café manager, they did it all for us (those of us in Melbourne anyway). Yipee!

  26. #26
    Senior Member gonzo89's Avatar
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    The instagram photo responses can only get better
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    Senior Member gonzo89's Avatar
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    You beat me to it noonar. I was just posting the instagram screenshot from the article

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    Senior Member Barry O'Speedwagon's Avatar
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    You blokes do realise that Jamila is (or certainly was) the editor of Mamamia(I won't put the URL in)? She's no random 'coffee lover'. Nice young lady though.

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    Senior Member Magic_Matt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortblackman View Post
    Which inner north cafe is doing this? It's a bit of a laugh.
    The post I referred to above named Industry Beans - but according to other articles it was "the cafe within South African furniture store Weylandts".

    Quote Originally Posted by Barry O'Speedwagon View Post
    You blokes do realise that Jamila is (or certainly was) the editor of Mamamia(I won't put the URL in)? She's no random 'coffee lover'. Nice young lady though.
    Nup - 'coffee lover' is exactly how the original article referred to her. Don't pay much attention to media 'personalities'; perhaps the fact that the article dedicated more screen space to a photo of her face than the offending beverage should've tipped me off... The fact that she's potentially benefiting professionally from the exposure doesn't change my opinion of the post much, though

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    Senior Member Barry O'Speedwagon's Avatar
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    Wink

    Quote Originally Posted by Magic_Matt View Post


    Nup - 'coffee lover' is exactly how the original article referred to her.
    Wasn't disputing that.....my emphasis was on the word 'random'
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    And for your viewing enjoyment, a Friday update on the theme that the world has most definitely come to and end:

    https://youtu.be/pxqjH2_yRL4
    sprezzatura likes this.

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    Senior Member sprezzatura's Avatar
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    Ha! I'll take a scrambled egg rural froth cappuccino over an onion gravy one any day

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    Super Moderator Javaphile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melbroaster View Post
    And for your viewing enjoyment, a Friday update on the theme that the world has most definitely come to and end:

    https://youtu.be/pxqjH2_yRL4
    By that measure the world ended over 10 years ago.


    Java "Sorry Chris, yours was the oldest!" phile
    Toys! I must have new toys!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Barry O'Speedwagon View Post
    Wasn't disputing that.....my emphasis was on the word 'random'
    A "random" to one person may be a hero to another depending on their exposure to said person

  35. #35
    Senior Member ArtW's Avatar
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    I don't mind it but it should come with a nice warm cup to and you should know about it before and be able to opt out. I like the idea of being able to vary your strength as you drink, maybe start with a macchiato, have a piccolo in the middle and finish with a latte - 3 coffees for the price of 1 - or maybe not, how much did this cost?

  36. #36
    Senior Member trentski's Avatar
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    Might as well get behind the machine and do it all. Probably get a better result.
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    This is a good way to serve coffee when a coffee roaster is promoting a new blend. I can have a little taste of it as espresso, a machiato and cap/latte. Even as Americano. The presentation is missing a demitasse though.
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    Might head down to Talk Coffee on Saturday morning to try one...😂

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    ....... Crazy

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    Absolutely baffling.....

  43. #43
    Senior Member trentski's Avatar
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    Nothing to do with coffee. Its more like a soup or hot smoothy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Javaphile View Post
    Straight to where the song starts: (link removed by copyright holders)


    Java "Blast from the past" phile

    G'day Javaphile

    Yep, total blast from the past. I have never found anyone in Oz who has either the vinyl or 2CD set of Dr Demento's Delights (I have both). I had no idea they also did a DVD. A qn - did they do a video of "Ti Kwan Leep"? Pt1 never fails to impress.

    Tamp "Gr8 Memories" It

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    Super Moderator Javaphile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TampIt View Post
    G'day Javaphile

    Yep, total blast from the past. I have never found anyone in Oz who has either the vinyl or 2CD set of Dr Demento's Delights (I have both). I had no idea they also did a DVD. A qn - did they do a video of "Ti Kwan Leep"? Pt1 never fails to impress.

    Tamp "Gr8 Memories" It
    Not that I'm aware of.


    Java "But then I've not looked hard for it either" phile
    Toys! I must have new toys!!!

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    Junior Member CoffeeLoveVan's Avatar
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    It looks like someone enjoys washing dishes more than making coffee... or maybe they wash more dishes because they can't blend all the ingredients into a great tasting single cup?

  48. #48
    Senior Member Magic_Matt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melbroaster View Post
    *vomits out window*
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    Hahaha oh dear me ��

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    Behmor Brazen - $249 - Free Freight
    I like my coffee like my houses.......constructed.

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