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Thread: A humour thread

  1. #51
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    Re: A humour thread

    No offence intended - just a joke!

    A biker was riding along a California beach when
    suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord
    said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
    grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
    Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic... think
    of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
    required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it
    would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do
    it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

    Take a little more time and think of something that
    would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he
    said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
    she feels inside, what shes thinking when she gives me the silent
    treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings
    wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

  2. #52
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    Re: A humour thread

    A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It
    was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the
    chalkboard.

    Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "Whats so funny Pat?"

    "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

    "Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I dont want to see you for three days."

    The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

    Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
    She quickly turns and asks,

    "Whats so funny, Billy?"

    "Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

    Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"

    This time the punishment is more severe, "I dont want to see you for three weeks." She says.

    Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student.

    She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where
    do you think you are going?" she asks.

    "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

  3. #53
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    Re: A humour thread

    My apologies to those of you who are cat owners, but this is truly hysterical!

    Subject: A domestic chore made satisfyingly easy


    Instructions for cleaning the toilet:


    1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.


    2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.


    3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.


    4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.


    5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the "Power-wash" pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.


    6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.


    7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed at which he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.


    8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.


    With best wishes,


    The Dog


  4. #54
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    Re: A humour thread

    an oldie but still worth a chuckle, plus its hard to find "family friendly ones" to post as I dont know the limitations here!


    Outback Australia
    Thesaurus of Computer Terminology

    Log On - Make the barbie hotter
    Log Off - What you do when the sausages start to catch fire
    Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
    Download - Get the firewood off the ute
    Hard Drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies
    Floppy Disk - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
    Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and motorbike keys
    Window - What you shut when its cold
    Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
    Byte - What mozzies do
    Bit - What mozzies did
    Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
    Chip - A bar snack
    Micro Chip - Whats left in the bag after youve eaten the chips
    Modem - What you did to the lawns
    Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrixs wife
    Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
    Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
    Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
    Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
    Mainframe - What holds the shed up
    Web - What spiders make
    Web Site - Found in the shed or under the verandah
    Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
    Search Engine - What you do when the ute wont go
    Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go
    Upgrade - A steep hill
    Server - The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
    Mail Server - The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
    User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
    Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
    Internet - Where the fish go when you put the net out
    Netscape - When the fish get out of the net
    Online - When you get the washing hung out
    Offline - When you take the washing down

  5. #55
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    Re: A humour thread

    I think us cat owners can relate to some of these

    Signs that your cat owns you...

    At the store, you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself.

    You buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat.

    The Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santas lap. *

    Your cat signs the card. *

    You accept dates only with those who have a cat.

    If so, you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along. *

    You climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you wont disturb the sleeping cat. *

    You cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays. *

    You feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork. *

    You give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas. *

    You spend more for your cat at Christmas than you do for your spouse. *

    You have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator. *

    You have pictures of your cat in your wallet. *

    You bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children.

    You kiss your cat on the lips? *

    You microwave your cats food. *

    You prepare your cats food from scratch. *

    You put off making the bed until the cat gets up. *

    You scoop out the litter box after each use, *

    You wait at the box with the scoop in your hand.

    You select your friends based on how well your cats like them. *

    You sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move. * *::) :-[
    You think its cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter. *

    You watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote.

    Your cat "insists" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout. *

    Your cat eats out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television. *

    Your cat sits at the table (or ON the table) when you eat. *

    Your cat sleeps on your head. *

    You like it your cat sleeping on your head. *

    When people call to talk to you on the phone, you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well, *

    When someone new comes to your house, you introduce your cat, by name, to them. *

    You introduce your visitor (s) by name to your cat. *

    You stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? *

    You would rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?


  6. #56
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    Re: A humour thread

    I love cats, I set the trap every night.

  7. #57
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    Re: A humour thread

    I love cats too,
    esp in a good gravy or bearnese sauce!

    (just kidding) :D

  8. #58
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    Re: A humour thread

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeeR4Vnvs8U

    I saw this the other night at the end of Spicks and Specks. Its a classic! It was apparently done in one take. Very clever and worth the watch!

  9. #59
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    Re: A humour thread

    Its a real gem alright..... the bloke in the pink shirt seems to have a certain pizzazz ;)

    Mal.

  10. #60
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    Re: A humour thread

    If you really want to be impressed, heres the version they did LIVE at the MTV awards last year
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTEPHxDk0SU&mode=related&search=

  11. #61
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    Re: A humour thread

    An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

    The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

    He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

    The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."

    The waiter says "Whoa, Chief! Were still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

    The Indian smiles and proudly says: "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.


    Java "Aint that the truth!" phile

  12. #62
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit
    her ball into the woods.

    She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
    trap.

    The Frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
    you three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you

    Wish for, your husband will get ....... times ten!"

    The woman said, "Thats okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to".

    The woman replied, "Thats okay, because I will be the most
    Beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

    So, KAZAM!!! - Shes the most beautiful Woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
    world. The frog said," That will make your husband the richest man in
    the world by far. And he will be ten times richer than you.
    "The woman said, “Thats okay, because whats mine is his and whats his is
    mine."

    So, KAZAM!!! - Shes the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after
    Careful consideration she answered, "Id like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Dont mess with them.




    *_ATTENTION _*
    *Female readers:*This is the end of the joke for you.

    Stop here and continue feeling good.

    *Male readers:*Please read on.


















    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

    Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think theyre
    really smart.

    Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes
    To show that women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

    Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the
    ladies who have a good sense of humour.

    Craig.

    Go pies.





  13. #63
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    WIFE FROM HELL

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife
    says: "Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
    clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, cant you keep your mouth shut?"

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, sir. Thats an automatic $75 fine."




    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youre driving."

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Maam?"

    I love this part....


    "Only when hes been drinking."

    Craig.

    Go Pies

    P.S. My wife forwarded both of these to me, should I be worried? ;D

  14. #64
    Super Moderator scoota_gal's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Im worried about what the "go pies" bit at the end means, Craig...

  15. #65
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    Re: A humour thread

    Scoota,

    Methinks he is a follower of that crazy game where they kick around an oval "ball".... and try to boot it through 4 vertical sticks (preferably the two centre ones ;)).....

    Go "Magpies" is the meaning (well thats what I think!)

  16. #66
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Correct, and we won a close fought fought battle on the field last night.

    wwwwwoooooohhhhhhhhooooooo

    Craig.

    Go Pies.

    Below is all you need to know about real Football.

    http://www.collingwoodfc.com.au/

  17. #67
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    Re: A humour thread

    Coastal, are you by any chance Eddie MacGuire?

  18. #68
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    Re: A humour thread

    Coastal you do realise that Port Adelaide are the original Magpies???

    Older club and we had the name first. Collywobbles just got the name because the AFL is victorian based and they were in there by default.

    PS we also have more Premierships ;)

  19. #69
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by lucinda link=1177713250/60#67 date=1180769364
    Coastal you do realise that Port Adelaide are the original Magpies???

    Older club and we had the name first. Collywobbles just got the name because the AFL is victorian based and they were in there by default.

    PS we also have more Premierships ;)
    Ouch!

  20. #70
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    But do SA premierships count?

  21. #71
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Sorry but I seem to be unable to grasp what it is you are saying ,

    and what point you are all making?

    Craig.

    GO PIES

    by the way they gave up their right to that name ..............something that would not even be considered under any circumstances.

    And EM...not a chance I am a real person.

  22. #72
    Mal Dimal's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Err I dunno :-?

    Victorians and their AF-bloody-ell.... Union [smiley=thumbsup.gif], now theres a good game :P...

    Mal.

  23. #73
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    you know what, I actually thought that this was a nice board,

    it is full of delusional people, in all but coffee conversation.


    :o :-?




  24. #74
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
    naked in a sauna.

    Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
    The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

    The others looked at him questioningly.

    "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin
    in my arm."

    A few minutes later a phone rang.
    The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
    When he finished he explained,
    "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand"

    The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
    decided he had to do something just as impressive.
    He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

    When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper
    hanging from his ass.
    The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

    "B-jesus, will you look at that, Im getting a fax!"

  25. #75
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Thundergod link=1177713250/60#69 date=1180774068
    But do SA premierships count?
    Sure do.


    If VFL premierships count - so do SANFL. Otherwise Collingwood would have no premierships and Port would still have one more. (The last colliwobble premiership was VFL - not AFL)

    Port did not willingly give up the right to the magpies. They were forced to. Their supporters STILL recognise them as the original magpies. We let Collingwood supporters know it everytime they come to SA.

  26. #76
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    Re: A humour thread

    A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
    listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy,
    God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

    The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

    The little girl said, "I dont know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
    do."

    The next day grandpa died.

    The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
    prayers, which went like this:

    "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say

    "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldnt sleep all night and got up at
    the crack of dawn to go to his office.

    He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
    He
    figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
    He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
    he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
    at every sound.

    Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "Ive never seen you work so late, whats the
    matter?" He said, "I dont want to talk about it, Ive just spent
    the worst day of my life."

    She said "You think you had a bad day, youll never believe what happened
    to
    me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!
    _________________

  27. #77
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...It reads:
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

    "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many
    winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup
    answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips
    through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
    himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

    GO IN PEACE.
    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER



  28. #78
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    Re: A humour thread

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

    As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

    At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”

    Time stopped.

    The bear froze.

    The forest was silent.

    It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

    The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

    “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

    “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.

    Amen

  29. #79
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    Re: A humour thread

    1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    4) You´ve never quite sure whether it´s ok to eat green crisps.

    6) Reading when you´re drunk is horrible.

    7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

    8) You´re never quite sure whether it´s against the law or not to have
    a fire in your back garden.

    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

    14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

    17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

    18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
    the first given opportunity.

    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    24) You never ever run out of salt.

    25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

    26) You can´t respect a man who carries a dog.

    27) There´s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you´ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

    28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

    29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

    30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

    31) People who don´t drive slam car doors too hard.

    32) You´ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
    wood specifically to stir paint with.

    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

    36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

  30. #80
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    Re: A humour thread

    A little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Her mum replies "No, because she is on heat."


    "What does that mean?" asked the child.


    "Go and ask your father. I think hes in the garage."

    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you."

    He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dogs backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Wheres Lulu?"

    (Youre gonna love this!!!!!!!!!)..............












    The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

  31. #81
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by lucinda link=1177713250/75#77 date=1181291643
    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

    As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

    At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”

    Time stopped.

    The bear froze.

    The forest was silent.

    It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

    The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

    “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

    “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.

    Amen

    I think somewhere along the line we are on the same e-mail link!!!

    I got this the other day!

  32. #82
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    Re: A humour thread

    This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:


    Once upon a time


    ~~~~~~~~


    in a land far away,


    ~~~~~~~~


    a beautiful, independent,

    self-assured princess


    ~~~~~~~~


    happened upon a frog as she sat

    contemplating ecological issues

    on the shores of an unpolluted pond

    in a verdant meadow near her castle.


    ~~~~~~~~


    The frog hopped into the princess lap

    and said: " Elegant Lady,

    I was once a handsome prince,

    until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


    ~~~~~~~~


    One kiss from you, however,

    and I will turn back

    into the dapper, young prince that I am


    ~~~~~~~~

    and then, my sweet, we can marry


    ~~~~~~~~


    and set up housekeeping in your castle


    ~~~~~~~~


    with my mother,


    ~~~~~~~~


    where you can prepare my meals,


    ~~~~~~~~


    clean my clothes, bear my children,


    ~~~~~~~~


    and forever feel


    grateful and happy doing so. "

    ~~~~~~~~


    That night,

    ~~~~~~~~

    as the princess dined sumptuously

    ~~~~~~~~

    on lightly sauteed frog legs

    ~~~~~~~~

    seasoned in a white wine

    ~~~~~~~

    and onion cream sauce,

    ~~~~~~~~

    she chuckled and thought to herself:

    ~~~~~~~~

    I dont f****** think so.

  33. #83
    Mal Dimal's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    I had a laugh ;D :D ;D...

    I could see where this one was heading... Good one Cindy ;D

    Mal.

  34. #84
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
    five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set
    in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
    You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause were in a
    hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on,
    Cause Were going down the tracks".

    The horrified mother went in and told her son,
    We dont Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want
    you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
    When you come out, you may play with your train,but I
    want You to Use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
    Playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
    heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the
    train, please remember to Take all of your belongings with you.
    We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip
    was a pleasant one."

    She hears the little boy continue,
    "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
    your Hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking
    on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
    with us Today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
    "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
    delay, Please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

  35. #85
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    Re: A humour thread

    Thats a beauty... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

  36. #86
    Super Moderator Javaphile's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    HAHAHAHAHA Nice one Coastal!! ;D


    Java "Still laughing!" phile

  37. #87
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    Re: A humour thread

    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
    Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud
    conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn
    off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers..

    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead
    silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I
    please use the restroom?

    The bartender replied, OK, but I should warn you that there is a
    statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
    Well, in that case Ill just look the other way, said the nun.

    So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant,
    and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came
    back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give
    the nun a loud round of applause.

    Se went to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand.
    Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?
    Well, now they know youre one of us, said the bartender.
    Would you like a drink?

    But, I still dont understand, said the puzzled nun.
    You see, laughed the bartender, every time the fig leaf
    on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.

    Now, how about that drink?

  38. #88
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Thanks Lucinda,,

    Six married men will be dropped on an island for six weeks; each man Will have one car and 3 kids. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food. Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" Bills with not enough money.In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

    Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and Relatives, and send cards out on time. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for school functions, find babysitters for one "grown-up" event per month, and each December "make Christmas happen". Each man must also take each child to a doctors appointment, a Dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care Weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when theyre about to leave for vacation). They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 A.M And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better, remembering to send in Absentee information to school and get homework assignments. Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep, kitchen cleaned up and all chores, including laundry, are done. There is only one TV among them, and a remote with dead batteries.

    Each Father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons. The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches. Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing. During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings But never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must Explain what a tampon is when the 6-year old boy finds it around. Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes. A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each childs birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctors name and phone number. He also must know each childs weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each childs favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. Each father must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "Youre not the boss of Me".

    The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years and eventually earn the right to be called Mother!




    Coastal "not sexist" coffee

    (apologies for this one time use to Java "gotta leave em something to think about" phile.

  39. #89
    Senior Member Lizzie's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread


    Subject: FW: ATM

    :P :P :P :P
    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


    "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are
    requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



    *******************************

    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.

    2. Put down your car window.


    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

    6. Put window up.

    7. Drive off.






    *******************************





    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!





    1. Drive up to cash machine.

    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

    8. Insert card.

    9. Re-insert card the right way.


    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

    11. Enter PIN.

    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

    13. Enter amount of cash required.

    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.


    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.


    18. Re-check makeup.

    19. Drive forward 2 feet.

    20. Reverse back to cash machine.

    21. Retrieve card.

    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
    holder, and place card into the slot provided!

    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

    25. Redial person on cell phone.

    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.


    27. Release Parking Brake.


















  40. #90
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    Re: A humour thread

    14 THINGS WE HATE ABOUT EVERYONE!!!

    WuN..

    People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f--k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    Tu..

    People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote
    because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

    ThrEe..

    When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F----n’ right!
    What good is a cake if you cant eat it?

    FoA..

    When people say "its always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f--k
    would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are
    they?

    Fiv..

    When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to
    come to the movies and stare at the f----n’ floor.

    SiX..

    People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didnt really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

    SevEn..

    When something is new and improved! Which is it? If its new, then there has never
    been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

    EiGht..

    When people say "life is short". What the f--k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f----n’ does!! What can you do thats longer?

    NIiNe..

    When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus
    came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

    TeN..

    People who say things like My eyes arent what they used to be. So what did they used to be? Ears?

    ElevEn..

    When youre eating something and someone asks Is that nice? No its really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

    TwElVe

    People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks thats an image I really didnt need.

    ThUrTeN

    McDonalds staff who pretend they dont understand you unless you insert the Mc before the item you are ordering.....Its has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, Ill have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f----n’ McTosser.

    FoATeeN

    When you involved in a accident and someone asks are you alright? Yes fine thanks, Ill just pick up my limbs and be off.

  41. #91
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    FivTen...

    When people come into my shop and ask is the fish nice and fresh?

    $f*&%ks sake , two questions to start of with.

    Stock answer with a smile is.....

    "Well we get all our fish locally from the other fish shops after they wont use it anymore,it saves food being wasted and keeps our buy local policy on the straight and narrow."

  42. #92
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    Re: A humour thread

    An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
    normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. But at
    your age tell me how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
    peace with God?"

    Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
    hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
    bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When Im done, POOF! the light goes
    off.

    "WOW, Thats incredible" the doctor says.

    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chucks wife.
    "Ethel," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in
    awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
    night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done
    POOF! the light goes off?

    "That silly old fool!" Ethel exclaims, "hes peeing in the refrigerator again."

  43. #93
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while
    taking a bath.
    "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
    "Not yet," she replied.

  44. #94
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    I like ThUrTeN.

  45. #95
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by coastal coffee link=1177713250/90#92 date=1181899538
    A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while
    taking a bath.
    "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
    "Not yet," she replied.

    ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D An oldie but a goodie.

  46. #96
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    If you would like a really nice super Automatic coffee this fine

    morning just click on the

    link below and follow the instructions.

    1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW)

    2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE

    3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK

    4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY

    5 CLICK ON "APRI"

    Dont forget to click on "APRI" in the last box !!!

    Ps. Ensure the computer audio is on.


    http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_f..._150404_01.swf

  47. #97
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    Re: A humour thread

    I know a few places where this may be the reason for the taste of their coffee.

  48. #98
    Super Moderator Javaphile's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Subject: Cat Bathing as a Martial Art


    Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

    Ive spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, Ive been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

    The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

    When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

    --Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.

    --Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    --Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

    -- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go
    out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

    -- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

    -- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

    --Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy
    fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. The national record for cats is three latherings, so
    dont expect too much.

    -- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

    But at least now he smells a lot better. ;D ;D ;D


    Java "Beware the pissed off Kitty!" phile


  49. #99
    Senior Member Dennis's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    I love cat jokes - there was time when I had both a cat and a dog. To worm the cat I used to wrap it in a bath towel, hold it firmly under one arm and take it outside and sit on the verandah step. Id then try and squirt the yellow paste into the cats mouth as it shook its head from side to side. At this point the cat would usually have managed to get at least one paw out and imbed its claws into my chest. At some point in the process the cat would manage to bite right through the plastic syringe while still managing to keep the actual syringe opening at an angle that would ensure none of the worming medicine had any chance of being swallowed. I usually managed to get some on the cats fur and the rest would be flicked on my shirt before the cat ran off for a couple of hours, before coming back and parade in front of me as though saying "dont mess with me".

    As for the dog, I would hide the worming tablet in my hand and call the dog over. As soon as I would open my hand to reveal the contents, she would lick it off and swallow it!

  50. #100
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    Re: A humour thread

    Cats are evil...never liked em!

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