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Thread: A humour thread

  1. #101
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    Re: A humour thread

    Dogs have Masters

    Cats have Servants [smiley=evil.gif]

  2. #102
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    Re: A humour thread

    Dogs are like men, cats are like women... thnk about it ;)

  3. #103
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    Re: A humour thread

    A Parisian thief decided to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

    After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his getaway HiAce, parked nearby.

    However he was captured only two blocks away when the vehicle ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

    "Monsieur, zat is ze reason I stole ze paintings...

    “ I had no Monet...

    “...to buy Degas...

    “...to make ze Van Gogh."

    (And they thought I wouldnt have De Gaulle to send this on!)

    Anyway, I thought it was funny

  4. #104
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by lucinda link=1177713250/90#94 date=1181956760
    ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D An oldie but a goodie.
    Are you implying that my brains are in my testicles?

    Im offended, but my wife might agree. he he ;D

  5. #105
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    Re: A humour thread

    Weve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
    know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
    definition for each is listed below...
    GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
    by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
    cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
    perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
    butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next."

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
    ultimately result in death.

  6. #106
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    Re: A humour thread


    LIFE IN THE 1500S

    The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isnt just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

    These are interesting...

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the! other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Dont throw the baby out with the Bath water..

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. Its raining cats and dogs.

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. Thats how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was ! placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

    (Getting quite an education, arent you?)

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

    Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ..dead ringer..

    And thats the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring!
    Educate someone.

  7. #107
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    Re: A humour thread

    verrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy interesting !

  8. #108
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    Re: A humour thread

    The Joint Chiefs of Staff were sitting around one night tipping back the bottle and got into an arguement over whos men were braver.

    The Secretary of the Army jumped up and said Ill prove it to you all! He hustled them all out to a nearby base where there was an exercise going on and called a soldier over. "Soldier! I want you to go stand in front of that tank heading this way!" "Yes Sir!" the soldier snapped out and ran off to stand in front of the on-coming tank with the inevitable result. SPLAT The general turned to the others and announced: "Now that takes guts!"

    The Secretary of the Navy not to be out done took them all out to an Aircraft Carrier and bellowed out to the nearest Sailor: "Sailor! Go stand in front of that deckgun thats about to fire!" "Aye-Aye Admiral!" the sailor shouted as he ran off and sttod in front of the big gun. BOOM The sailor is now one with the Atlantic. The Admiral proudly turns to the others and says "Now that took guts!"

    The Secretary of the Air Force then states that thats nothing and hauls them all off to the local Air Force base. Upon arriving at the flight line he calls over the nearest Airman and orders him to jump into the air intake of the near-by B-52 which was taxiing out. The Airman snaps off a salute and says "Yes Sir!" then turns and runs directly in front of the massive engine and WHOOSH he now really is an Airman! The general turns around with a big smile on his face and says "Now that gentlemen takes serious guts!!"

    The others grudgenly agreed that it had indeed taken guts and agreed that the Air Force did indeed have the bravest people.

    Through-out all this the Commandant of the Marine Corps had been standing in the back of the group quietly shaking his head. As the others turned to head back to the bar he announced "Gentlemen, if youll follow me Ill show you what true bravery really is!".

    The Commandant of the Marine Corps drives them all to a nearby base where a unit was sharpening their marksmanship on the rifle range. The General walked up to a Private and told him "Marine! I want you to march out in front of the firing line and stand there!"

    The Private looked at the live firing line and then looked back at the Commandant with all the other Joint Chiefs standing behind him and looking the General straight in the eyes said "Fu*k you Sir!"

    Where-upon the Commandant turned around and with a huge smile on his face intoned to the Joint Chiefs, "Now that Gentlemen takes BALLS!!!

    ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


    Java "Oldie but goodie!" phile

  9. #109
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    Re: A humour thread


  10. #110
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    Re: A humour thread

    Whos on 1st? ************************************************** ************

    You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Whos on First?" might have turned out something like this:


    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. Im setting up an office in my den and Im thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I dont own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I dont know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say Im sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: Im going to click your blue "w" if you dont start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Thats right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: Whats bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isnt it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START".......


  11. #111
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    Re: A humour thread

    Apples iPhone has made people queue for a potential 100 hours before the release. Im disgusted, but also kind of jealous. *;D


    http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/apple/iphone-line-has-started100+hours-early-272088.php
    "Close up shot where you can see the geekiness seeping off their faces and onto the pavement:"

    I originally thought he was squatting on behalf of someone much more hip, but the dude at the front of the line is a professional 1st in line guy. *:o :o
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greg_Packer
    http://firstinline.wordpress.com/

  12. #112
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by rice link=1177713250/105#110 date=1182910688
    Apples iPhone has made people queue for a potential 100 hours before the release. Im disgusted, but also kind of jealous. *;D


    http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/apple/iphone-line-has-started100+hours-early-272088.php
    "Close up shot where you can see the geekiness seeping off their faces and onto the pavement:"

    I originally thought he was squatting on behalf of someone much more hip, but the dude at the front of the line is a professional 1st in line guy. *:o :o
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greg_Packer
    http://firstinline.wordpress.com/

    If it is as good as it is supposed to be, I will be getting one. I currently have a Motorola razr and it is a pile of doggy doo. The worst phone I have ever owned. :-X

    Not that I would get the first that come out though - they always have the glitches so I wait until the new updated models come out. 8-)

  13. #113
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    Re: A humour thread

    sorry about the >>> too lazy to remove
    but in light of recent optus adds, this cracked me up

    The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are THE seven
    >> > dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads
    >> > the pack. "Dopey, my son," asks the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
    >> > Dopey replies, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
    >> > dwarf nuns in Rome ?" The Pope wrinkles his brow, thinks for a
    >> > moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in
    >> > Rome ." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
    >> > Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
    >> > Dopey turns back to the Pope, asking "Your Worship, are there
    >> > any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?" The Pope, puzzled now,
    >> > again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there
    >> > are no dwarf nuns in Europe ." This time, all of the other
    >> > dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and
    >> > silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Holy
    >> > Father a final time and demands, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY
    >> > dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?" "Im sorry, my son, there
    >> > are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs
    >> > collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,
    >> > tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting .
    >> > "Dopey screwed a penguin!" . "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

  14. #114
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    Re: A humour thread

    If this is a bit too rude *I will delete it.

    It made me spit coffee all over my monitor



    A young Chinese couple gets married. Shes a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesnt know that.
    *
    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I
    pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
    someting I have heard about from other girls ... Numbaa 69."

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her ...

    "You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"


  15. #115
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    Re: A humour thread

    And one for the parents among us.... ;D ;D ;D


  16. #116
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    Re: A humour thread

    OK lucinda, whats the best way to clean coffee of my monitor screen.

  17. #117
    Super Moderator scoota_gal's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Ah yes, I love Calvin. My fave of the Calvin and Hobbs strips were the ones with the snowmen. Classic stuff!

    But that was a goodie too! ;D

  18. #118
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    It has happened in this family!!!!!

    Bugger.

  19. #119
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Oh the joys of Parenting.

    Spiders in the Garden
    A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
    He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
    He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
    He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
    "Theyre mating," her father replied.
    "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
    "Thats a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

    "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear.
    Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
    "The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, were not having any of that Broke back-Mountain shit in our garden."


  20. #120
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by scoota gal link=1177713250/105#116 date=1183178867
    Ah yes, I love Calvin. My fave of the Calvin and Hobbs strips were the ones with the snowmen. Classic stuff!

    But that was a goodie too! ;D

    http://www.angelfire.com/wa/zzaran/calvin.html


  21. #121
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    Re: A humour thread

    *WARNING: DO NOT DRINK COFFEE WHILST READING THIS*

    The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
    They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
    the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense
    of humor.....




    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
    TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
    them die.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

    A: Depends how much youve been drinking.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
    tracks(Sweden)?

    A: Sure, its only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
    list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)

    A: What did your last slave die of?
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
    (USA)

    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in themiddle of the Pacific which does not
    ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
    Cross. Come naked.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
    and well send the rest of the directions.
    _________________________________________________

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)

    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
    is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
    in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

    A: You are a British politician, right?
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
    round? (Germany)

    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
    is illegal.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
    rattlesnake serum. (USA)

    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
    Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
    good pets.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
    its name. Its a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)>

    A: Its called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
    Gum trees and eat the
    brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by
    spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
    you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
    is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

    A: Yes, gay night clubs.
    _________________________________________________

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

    A: Only at Christmas.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and
    I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*.
    Can you help? (USA)

    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
    __________________________________________________

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

    A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
    _________________

  22. #122
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    Re: A humour thread

    Furry Gloves

    Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend a present. As they hadnt been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

    He went with his girlfriends sister to Myers and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

    During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.

    Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter: -

    Dear Sasha,

    I chose these because Ive noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove,

    These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

    She also said that the pair rubs her ring, which helps keep it clean and shiny; In fact she hasnt needed to wash it since she began wearing them,

    I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

    When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

    I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

    All my love

    Ron.

    P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


  23. #123
    Senior Member Lizzie's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    and nobody noticed????? ::) ::) ;D ;D


  24. #124
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    Re: A humour thread

    Sarg thats a good one! The more i read the harder i laughed.

    Lizzi correct me if im wrong but that looks like one of those "only in the states"... I had a laugh

  25. #125
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    Re: A humour thread

    Well, we men may have noticed, but in keeping with political correctness and respect for women we thought it more prudent not to comment.

    --Robusto

  26. #126
    Senior Member Lizzie's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    i think this was one of those gender-neutral things.... men can just see themselves do this arranging in the wee hours *with a couple of mates...women can just see the fun of it!!
    and, i presume it was not here in sensible Down Under, looking at the architecture; but nevertheless an amusing pic!

    L


  27. #127
    Senior Member Lizzie's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.



    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.



    The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father."



    The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesnt wear his collar like that."



    The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."



    The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesnt wear his collar that way!



    The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of Hundreds" and went back to reading his book.



    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."







  28. #128
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    Re: A humour thread

    Lizzi - Bwahahahahah

    That is a beauty.

  29. #129
    Senior Member Lizzie's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    aint it just..heheheheh :) ;) :D ;D

  30. #130
    Senior Member coastal_coffee's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A man had been out hunting and bought home a deer for his families dinner table,

    not wishing to disturb the kids because he killed Bambie, he told them that it was a surprise meat.

    Wanting to give his oldest a hint as to what it was after much pestering, he gave him a clue,

    "its something your mother calls me"

    quick as a flash Johnny the youngest cried out

    "for gods sake dont anyone eat it, its a bloody asshole!! ;D

  31. #131
    Senior Member Dennis's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread



    So, how did you get those marks on your nose?

    Easy....


  32. #132
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    Re: A humour thread

    NEW PASTOR WAS VISITING IN THE HOMES OF HIS PARISHIONERS. AT ONE HOUSE IT SEEMED OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE WAS AT HOME, BUT NO ANSWER CAME TO HIS REPEATED KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.THEREFORE, HE TOOK OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND WROTE "REVELATION 3:20" ON THE BACK OF IT AND STUCK IT IN THE DOOR.

    WHEN THE OFFERING WAS PROCESSED THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, HE FOUND THAT HIS CARD HAD BEEN RETURNED. ADDED TO IT WAS THIS CRYPTIC MESSAGE, "GENESIS 3:10."

    REACHING FOR HIS BIBLE TO CHECK OUT THE CITATION, HE BROKE UP IN GALES OF LAUGHTER. REVELATION 3:20 BEGINS "BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK." GENESIS 3:10 READS, "I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID FOR I WAS NAKED."

  33. #133
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    Re: A humour thread

    The History of the Middle Finger

    Well, now......heres something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isnt history more fun when you know something about it?

    Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

    Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

    And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

  34. #134
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    Re: A humour thread

    You cant read this and stay in a bad mood.

    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
    They Take The Psycho Path

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroids

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesnt work?
    A Stick

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isnt Yours?
    Nacho Cheese.
    9. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.

    10. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

    11. Why Did Pilgrims Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

    12. Whats The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

    13. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    Somebodys Gonna Lose A Trailer.

    14. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    15. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    Frostbite.

    16. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.

    17. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    Because They Have Big Fingers.

    18. What Do You Call Santas Elves?
    Subordinate Clauses.
    19. Why Dont Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    Because It Scares The Dog.
    20. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quattro Sinko..

    21. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    A Nervous Wreck.

    22. Whats The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef.


    Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

  35. #135
    Senior Member fatboy_1999's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    What do you call a donkey with three legs?
    A wonky-donkey.

    What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
    A winky-wonky-donkey.

    What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who needs a wash?
    A stinky-winky-wonky-donkey.

    What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who needs a wash and sells used cars?
    A shonky-stinky-winky-wonky-donkey.

    What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who needs a wash, sells used cars and has a rubber fetish?
    A kinky-shonky-stinky-winky-wonky-donkey.

    What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who needs a wash, sells used cars, has a rubber fetish and plays piano?
    A honky-tonky-kinky-shonky-stinky-winky-wonky-donkey.

    What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who needs a wash, sells used cars, has a rubber fetish and plays piano with sun protection on his nose?
    A zincy-honky-tonky-kinky-shonky-stinky-winky-wonky-donkey.

  36. #136
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    Re: A humour thread


    First-year students at Univ of Floridas Vet school were receiving
    their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the cows body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. "Lifes tough, its even tougher if youre stupid."

  37. #137
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    Re: A humour thread

    Hey fatboy, if you havent got kids then go get some. That was a Gold effort!

    cheers m8

  38. #138
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    I ran across a quote today while researching a French comedy show I spotted on TV this morning.

    "Tous les matins, japporte à ma femme le café au lit. Elle na plus quà le moudre."








    *Every morning, I bring my wife coffee in bed. All she has to do is grind it.

  39. #139
    NeedCoffeeeee.....
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    Re: A humour thread

    TG - I like! ;D

  40. #140
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Merci beaucoup.

  41. #141
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Thundergod link=1177713250/135#137 date=1189814865
    I ran across a quote today while researching a French comedy show I spotted on TV this morning.

    "Tous les matins, japporte à ma femme le café au lit. Elle na plus quà le moudre."








    *Every morning, I bring my wife coffee in bed. All she has to do is grind it.

    WHO DOES WHAT

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we dont have to wait as long to get our coffee.

    The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

    Wifereplies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

    Husband replies, "I cant believe that, show me."

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him atthe top of several pages, that it indeed says...

    "HEBREWS"

  42. #142
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    Re: A humour thread

    WOMANS DIARY



    28 July 2007 Saturday



    Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

    Id been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him , thought it might be that.

    The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.



    He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went s omewhere nice to eat.

    All through dinner he just didnt seem himself - he hardly laughed and didnt seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

    I just knew that something was wrong.



    He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

    He hesitated but followed.

    I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

    After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed , I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

    He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

    He didnt follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

    I cried myself to sleep - I think hes planning to leave me - maybe hes found someone else.



    MANS DIARY:



    Saturday 28 July



    Broncos lost.

    Feel gutted.

    Got a root though.

  43. #143
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    Re: A humour thread

    The perfect chair for those who wear kilts... http://www.utilikilts.com/?page_id=159

    WARNING: ITS A BIT RUDE SO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK

  44. #144
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    Re: A humour thread

    What Men Really Mean.

    "Im going fishing."
    Really means...
    "Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    "Woman driver."
    Really means...
    "Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

    "Its a guy thing."
    Really means...
    "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
    Really means...
    Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.

    "My wife doesnt understand me."
    Really means...
    "Shes heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

    "It would take too long to explain."
    Really means...
    "I have no idea how it works."

    "Take a break, honey, youre working too hard."
    Really means...
    "I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "Its a really good movie."
    Really means...
    "Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

    "Thats womens work."
    Really means...
    "Its difficult, dirty, and thankless."

    "Go ask your mother."
    Really means...
    "I am incapable of making a decision."

    "I do help around the house."
    Really means...
    "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

    "I cant find it."
    Really means...
    "It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless."


  45. #145
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    Re: A humour thread

    Why I Fired my Secretery



    Last week was my birthday

    and I didnt feel very well

    waking up on that morning.

    I went downstairs for breakfast

    hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,

    "Happy Birthday!",

    and possibly have a small present for me.

    As it turned out,

    she barely said good morning,

    let alone

    " Happy Birthday."

    I thought...

    Well,

    thats marriage for you,

    but the kids....

    They will remember.

    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast

    and didnt say a word.

    So when I left for the office,

    I felt pretty low

    and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office,

    my secretary Jane said,

    "Good Morning Boss,

    and by the way

    Happy Birthday ! "

    It felt a little better

    that at least someone had remembered.

    I worked until one oclock ,

    when Jane knocked on my door

    and said, "You know,

    Its such a beautiful day outside,

    and it is your Birthday,

    what do you say we go out to lunch,

    just you and me."

    I said, "Thanks, Jane,

    thats the greatest thing

    Ive heard all day.

    Lets go !"

    We went to lunch.

    But we didnt go

    where we normally would go.

    She chose instead a quite bistro

    with a private table.

    We had two martinis each

    and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

    On the way back to the office,

    Jane said, "You know,

    Its such a beautiful day...

    We dont need to go straight back to the office,

    Do We ?"

    I responded,

    "I guess not.

    What do you have in mind ?"

    She said,

    "Lets drop by my apartment,

    its just around the corner."

    After arriving at her apartment,

    Jane turned to me and said,

    " Boss, if you dont mind,

    Im going to step into the bedroom

    for just a moment.

    Ill be right back."

    "Ok." I nervously replied.

    She went into the bedroom and,

    after a couple of minutes,

    she came out

    carrying a huge birthday cake ...

    Followed

    by my wife,

    my kids,

    and dozens of my friends

    and co-workers,

    all singing "Happy Birthday".

    And I just sat there...

    On the couch...

    Naked.


  46. #146
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    Re: A humour thread

    The Mother in Law

    A couple is going out for a night on the town. Theyre all dolled up,
    ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

    But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts
    back inside and wont come out. They dont want to leave the dog inside,
    so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in
    the taxi.

    Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the
    driver that her husband had just gone to say good-bye to my mother.

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. Sorry I took so
    long, he says. Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke
    her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in
    a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass
    downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! Shed better not s##t in the
    vegetable garden again!

    The silence in the cab was deafening.

  47. #147
    Senior Member GregJW's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    DISCOVERY - WOMENS HORMONES FOUND IN BEER



    Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
    results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
    hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
    consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
    contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
    into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
    within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
    subjects:

    1) argued over nothing.
    2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional.
    6) Couldnt drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary.

  48. #148
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    Re: A humour thread

    A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says Ah, I see youve regained consciousness. Now you probably wont remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Youre going to be OK, youll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but something happened. Im trying to break this gently to you, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.

    Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, Youve got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesnt come cheap. Its a thousand pounds an inch.

    The bloke perks up at this.

    So the thing is the doctor says, its for you to decide how many inches you want. But its something youd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch onebefore and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So its important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.

    So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

    So says the doctor Have you spoken with your wife?

    I have. says the fellow.

    And has she helped you in making the decision?

    She has says the bloke.

    And what is it? asks the doctor...









    Were having a new kitchen.

  49. #149
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    Re: A humour thread

    How the fight started:

    I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

    I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

    The driver got out of the other car and wouldnt you know it, he was a dwarf.

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "Im NOT f*#%ing happy!"

    So I said "Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?"

    And thats how the fight started......

  50. #150
    Senior Member Lizzie's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    well, Sarg, you have managed to make me cry.... havent laughed so much in a long time!!

    thanks!! ;D ;D
    L

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