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Thread: A humour thread

  1. #1
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    A humour thread



    OK, lets start a thread on jokes (in good taste please!) so here goes:

    On a typical forum, a question is posed:

    "How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"

    The following statistics were drawn from the responses:


    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
    changed

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
    light bulb could have been changed differently

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

    1 to move it to the Lighting section

    2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section


    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
    bulbs

    5 to flame the spell checkers

    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

    6 to argue over whether its "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
    6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
    is "lamp"

    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
    bulb" is perfectly correct

    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
    take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
    bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
    to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
    this technique and what brands are faulty

    7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

    4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
    corrected URLs

    3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
    this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
    all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
    cannot handle the light bulb controversy

    4 to say "didnt we go through this already a short time ago?"

    13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
    about light bulbs"

    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
    start it all over again.


    ;D ;D
    thegoner, JWILL, Jagster and 2 others like this.

  2. #2
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    Re: A humour thread

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    Excellent condition
    $1,000 or best offer
    No longer needed, got married last month.
    Wife knows everything.

  3. #3
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    Re: A humour thread

    Good work. Tempests post is just a perfect description of too many forums.

    Lucinda - I laughed myself silly.

    And heres my contribution:

    When the naughty corner just doesnt work anymore:


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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by tempestv8 link=1177713250/0#0 date=1177713250

    On a typical forum, a question is posed:

    "How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?"
    1 forum member to accuse people who change lightbulbs of being Nazis because Nazis used lightbulbs. . .

    1 Forum member to invoke Godwins Law following the use of the word Nazi

    5 forums members to google search Godwins Law

    37 forum members to commence a flame war of bayonet vs screw-in light bulbs

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    Re: A humour thread

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihoQpbUCT9A

  6. #6
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    1 to inform the group that the proper term is "Edison screw".

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    Re: A humour thread

    A nun walks into Mother Superiors office and plonks down into a chair: she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

    "It was" sighed the Sister, "and I went to play golf with my brother: we try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

    "I seem to recall that" the Mother Superior agreed, "so I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

    "Far from it" snorted the Sister, "in fact, I even took the Lords name in vain today!"

    "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished "you must tell me all about it!"

    "Well, we were on the fifth tee; and this hole is a monster, Mother; 540 yard Par 5 with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green; and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And its flying straight and true; right along the line I wanted; and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

    "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother "how unfortunate! But surely that didnt make you blaspheme, Sister!"

    "No, that wasnt it" admitted Sister, "while I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

    "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

    "But I didnt, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister "and I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

    "So thats when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    "Nope, that wasnt it either" cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling; and the hawk dropped him right there on the green; and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and exclaimed: "You missed the f...ing putt, didnt you?"

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    Re: A humour thread

    Dig these old geezers - make sure you watch it right to the end
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

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    Re: A humour thread

    ..


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    Re: A humour thread

    I always said that OG was an old woman ;D

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    Re: A humour thread

    Be careful what you wish for...

    It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

    The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "dont shoot - Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want."


    The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, "Okay, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this here horse Im riding."

    The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

    Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

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    Re: A humour thread

    Grandmas birthday.

    The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldnt speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

    After a short time on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

    Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, they tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, youre looking good! How are they treating you?"

    Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson...

    "They wont let me fart. "

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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Thundergod link=1177713250/0#5 date=1177729810
    1 to inform the group that the proper term is "Edison screw".
    I was eighteen before I found out that a "Torricelli Screw" wasnt the Italian girl next door.

  14. #14
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    Re: A humour thread

    I suppose it should be updated to show a Thong for 2000. ;D


    Java "Need I say more?" phile


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    Re: A humour thread

    You forgot this one Java ;)

    Mal.


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    Re: A humour thread

    omgwtfbbq

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    Re: A humour thread

    There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
    name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to
    call him Onestone.

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
    said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word
    got around and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
    morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
    the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
    love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would
    do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
    a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Birds cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
    Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
    love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her
    all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
    wouldnt die!

    What is the moral of this story?





    OH, come on...take a guess!









    And the moral is ..You cant kill two birds with one stone!!


  18. #18
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mal link=1177713250/15#15 date=1178292964
    You forgot this one Java ;)

    Mal.
    No, I intentionally ignored it. Now Ive got to go wash my eyes out again! :P


    Java "Gee thanks Mal!!" phile

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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mal link=1177713250/15#15 date=1178292964
    You forgot this one Java ;)

    Mal.

    My eyes my eyes [smiley=shocked.gif]

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    Re: A humour thread

    LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

    Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.

    2. On the other hand,you have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. Theyre the only culture some people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so whats the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

    20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering: "What the hell happened?"

    22. Just remember -- if the world didnt suck, we would all fall off.

    23. Light travels faster than sound. Thats why some people appear bright
    until you hear them speak.

    24. Life isnt like a box of chocolates; its more like a jar of jalapenos.
    What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
    _________________

  21. #21
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    Re: A humour thread

    Good stuff Cindy ;D,

    Youve definitely got a good stock of funnies :)

    Mal.

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    Re: A humour thread


    How bout a non-denominational hair colour joke to get things moving again.

    A blond [oops!] is on an aeroplane, sitting in economy class, on her way to Sydney when she spots an empty seat in first class.
    She decides to occupy it.

    The hostess, repeatedly asks her to move, but the blond refuses. This continues for a while, the blond wont budge, so the hostess is forced to go and see the captain.

    She explains the situation to the captain, and even the captain seems a little perplexed as to what to do.

    "Dont worry" says the co-pilot "My wife is blond, I can sort this out".....so off he goes to speak to the passenger.

    Straight away she gets up and returns to her economy seat.

    The hostess and captain are amazed, and want to know what the copilot said.

    He replied: "I just told her that first class goes to Brisbane not Sydney, "


  23. #23
    Senior Member fatboy_1999's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A blonde and a brunette are having a walk and they come across some tracks.
    The blonde says "They look like dingo tracks"
    The brunette says "No.. theyre kangaroo tracks"
    "Dingo"
    "Kangaroo"
    And so on..

    Whilst they were arguing, they got hit by the train.

  24. #24
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    Re: A humour thread

    Speaking of cars and trains: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/05/11/satnav_crash/


    Java "I wonder what these 2 metal rails are f....." phile

  25. #25
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Heres a recent one sent by a former work colleague.


    Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guys hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

    A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Dont you realise that this is a Christian country?
    Youll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
    The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Moshe, look whos trying to teach us Business."

  26. #26
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    Re: A humour thread

    OK, Im in. *Perhaps something to generate some "inter-genderational" discussion *;)

    "Why Men live happier lives than Women" (written from a womens perspective it seems):

    Your surname stays put.

    Chocolate is just another snack.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth.

    The world is your urinal.

    You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a bolt.

    You never ask for directions.

    Wrinkles add character.

    Wedding dress $5000. Suit hire $100.

    The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

    New shoes dont cut, blister or mangle your feet.

    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

    You can open all your own jars.

    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

    You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 12 relatives on December 24 in 25
    minutes.

    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

  27. #27
    Senior Member Lovey's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    A bloke walks past a bar with a sign out the front “Talking dog for sale $100, apply within.”
    The man walks into the bar and says to the barman, “I see you’ve got a talking dog for sale.”
    Before the barman can answer, the dog laying on the floor pipes up, “Yep, that’s me.”
    The bloke’s jaw hits the ground and before he could say anything else, the dog starts talking.
    “I used to work for the CIA as a covert operative. They’d put me into a room with people they wanted to spy on and I’d listen away. No one ever expected anything un-toward from a dog, look at these puppy eyes. They’d tell me all their secrets, then I’d report back to my handler.”
    The bloke is speechless.
    The dog continues, “I got burnt out from the spying game, it’s so stressful, so I went to work for customs, sniffing luggage for drugs. After a while, I started getting bad headaches from the drugs I was sniffing, so I quit that, and I was put out to stud.”
    The bloke is still dumb founded.
    Before he could get a word in, the dog continues, “All those pretty dogs, a well balanced diet, plenty of belly scratches, but boy did I have to perform, if you know what I mean? I had to get out of that game”
    The bloke was just about dribbling by now.
    The dog went on, “After the stud farm I thought I’d take it easy and just be a pub dog. You know, lay around all day, get patted by drunks, a couple of table scraps here and there, it’s a dogs life you know. So what do you think, am I a bargain or what?”
    The bloke blurts out to the barman, “A talking dog, why are you selling him at all, and why so cheap?”
    The barman says, “That dogs a liar, he never did any of that stuff, he’s been here all his life.”

  28. #28
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    Re: A humour thread

    Have a look at this still picture. *There is a man in the picture. *You may or may not see him at first.
























    Once you find him, and you think, Why didnt I see him immediately?

    Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people.

    If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally.

    If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.

    If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger, and yes, the man is really there!



    :D *:D * ;) * :)

  29. #29
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    Re: A humour thread

    An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
    The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
    Neighbors feared her They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
    The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyones relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
    He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
    His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
    "Arent you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
    The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig.

    I had her buried upside down......."

  30. #30
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    Re: A humour thread


    A drummer, sick and tired of the "just a dumb drummer" reputation decides to better his lot in life and become a guitarist.

    Rather than just jump right in, he reads all the magazines, internet forums and reviews he can get his hands on, until he knows exactly what he wants.

    Then the big day of the purchase arrives.

    He walks up to the counter:

    "I want a Gibson Les Paul Studio with a Marshall JCM900 50Watt amp and a Boss ME50 effects pedal, plus a box of 10-52 LTHB strings"

    "Oh, you must be a drummer" comes the reply.

    The drummer was amazed "How did you know?"

    "Caus mate, this is a Fish and Chip shop"

  31. #31
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    Re: A humour thread

    The Mayonnaise Jar

    When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

    He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

    He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes."

    The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

    "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

    The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

    The sand is everything else - the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

    So...
    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.

    There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

    Take care of the golf balls first --the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

    The professor smiled and answered, "Im glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, theres always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."




    I liked the comment about having a cup of coffee with a friend. ;)

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    Re: A humour thread

    FWIW I may have already posted this a while ago here, in another thread..
    However I forgive you dear as its a good ANalogy..

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    Re: A humour thread

    From the man himself, David Letterman.

    Top Ten Signs Your Cat is Trying to Kill You

    10. You find a .22 buried in the litterbox.
    9. "Fluffy" has been scratched into your wall.
    8. As it rubs against your leg, you feel the sting of a hypodermic needle.
    7. The threatening meows on your answering machine.
    6. Your cat is on the episode of Springer titled "I Want My Owner Dead."
    5. Hes been seen hanging out with the dog whos trying to kill you.
    4. Newspaper calls to confirm obituary for next week, "Hated pet owner meets violent end."
    3. Top step of your basement stairs is covered with slippery layer of Fancy Feast.
    2. To tune of Meow Mix song, sings, "Kill kill kill kill, kill kill kill kill."
    1. You overheard your cat on the phone with Robert Blakes cat.

  34. #34
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by TEPIN link=1177713250/30#31 date=1179393356
    FWIW I may have already posted this a while ago here, in another thread..
    However I forgive you dear as its a good ANalogy..
    :-[ Sorry Tepin, I hadnt seen that one before! I know it wasnt hugely funny but I agree, it is a great analogy.

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    Re: A humour thread

    Cowboy Advice For Life

    ~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

    ~ Theres two theories to arguin with a woman....
    Neither one works.

    ~ Dont worry about bitin off more than you can chew.
    Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

    ~ If you get to thinkin youre a person of some influence,
    try orderin somebody elses dog around.

    ~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good
    he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came
    along and shot him. The moral: When youre full of
    bull, keep your mouth shut.

    ~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop
    diggin.

    ~ Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco.

    ~ It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

    ~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

    ~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
    comes from bad judgment.

    ~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

    ~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

    ~ If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every
    now and then to make sure its still there.

    ~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a
    person, dont be surprised if they learn their lesson.

    ~ When youre throwin your weight around, be ready to
    have it thrown around by somebody else.

    ~ Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin
    it back.

    ~ Always take a good look at what youre about to eat.
    Its not so important to know what it is, but its critical
    to know what it was.

    ~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
    and put it back in your pocket.

    ~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  36. #36
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    Re: A humour thread

    CHICKEN HUMOR
    Question: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
    Bill Clinton:
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
    What do you mean by Chicken?
    Could you define chicken please?

    Colonel Sanders:
    I missed one?

    LA Police Department:
    Give us five minutes with the chicken and well find out.

    Richard M. Nixon:
    The chicken did not cross the road.
    I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
    I dont know any chickens.
    I have never known any chickens.

    Dr. Suess:
    Did the chicken cross the road?
    Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
    but why it crossed, Ive not been told!

    Ernest Hemingway:
    To die. In the rain.

    Grandpa:
    In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
    told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for
    us.

    Aristotle:
    It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

    Karl Marx:
    It was a historical inevitability.

    Ronald Reagan:
    What chicken?

    Captain James T. Kirk:
    To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    Fox Mulder:
    You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
    How many more chickens have
    to cross before you believe it?

    Machiavelli:
    The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
    Who cares why?
    The end of crossing the road justifies
    whatever motive there was.

    Freud:
    The fact that you are at all concerned that
    the chicken crossed the road reveals
    your underlying sexual insecurity.

    Bill Gates:
    I have just released Chicken Coop 98,
    which will not only cross roads,
    but will lay eggs,
    file your important documents,
    and balance your check book-
    and Explorer is an inextricable
    part of the operating system.

    Einstein:
    Did the chicken really cross the road or
    did the road move beneath the chicken?

    a bit dated perhaps, but still funny

  37. #37
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    Re: A humour thread

    What about Socrates?

    Why is it in the nature of men to be concerned about a chicken crossing the road?

  38. #38
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    Re: A humour thread

    With a bit of luck it wont make it...........fresh roadkill is OK.

  39. #39
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    Re: A humour thread

    "With a bit of luck it wont make it...........fresh roadkill is OK."


    My brother in law told me this and I have every reason to believe it

    A few years ago some German backpackers were boarding at a house in a small Northern NSW town (near Tenterfield).

    They went out white water rafting (or whatever they do up there) for the day and came back with a ferocious hunger.

    Anyway, when the bloke who ran the house came back from town, they complimented him on the stew which was cooking on the stove.

    His reply?

    "Stew? What stew?, Thats roadkill for the dogs!"

  40. #40
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    Re: A humour thread

    OBEDIENT WIFE
    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser.


    Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
    take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
    money to the afterlife with me."


    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
    he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
    sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.


    When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got
    ready to close the casket, the wife said, " Wait just a minute!"
    She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
    casket.


    Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
    So her friend said, "Girl, I know you werent fool enough to put all
    that money in there with your husband."


    The loyal wife replied," Listen, Im a Christian, I cant go back on
    my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that
    casket with him."


    You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!"



    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
    account and wrote him a cheque. If he cant cash it, then thats his
    problem"

  41. #41
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

    Plato: For the greater good.

    Machiavelli 2: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chickens dominion maintained.

    Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

    Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, becauses tructuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

    Thomas de Torquemada (actually): Give me ten minutes with the chicken and Ill find out.

    Timothy Leary: Because thats the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

    Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

    Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.

    B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of
    its own free will.

    Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

    Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

    Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

    Albert Einstein 2: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    Aristotle 2: To actualize its potential.

    Buddha: If you meet the chicken on the road, kill it.

    Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

    Salvador Dali: The Fish.

    Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

    Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

    Epicurus: For fun

    .Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.

    Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

    Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

    David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

    Jack Nicholson: Cause it (censored) wanted to. Thats the (censored) reason.

    Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

    The Sphinx: You tell me.

    Mr. T: If you saw me coming youd cross the road too!

    Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

    Molly Yard: It was a hen!

    Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

    Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

  42. #42
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    Re: A humour thread

    Sun Tzu - If you are weak, feign strength. If you are close, appear distant.

    Did the chicken really cross the road?

  43. #43
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    Re: A humour thread

    A junior school head teacher asked all the children to write a few words to describe the sea. These are a few true extracts of the thoughts of 6 to 8 year olds:



    This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

    Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

    If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you dont have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

    Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emil y Richardson. Shes not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

    A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age

    My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

    When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didnt blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

    I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

    Im not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I cant think what to write. (Amy age 6)

    Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
    have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

    When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

    Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers cant go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age

    On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she wont do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

  44. #44
    Mal Dimal's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    I had a laugh ;D :D :)

    Bloody hell Cindy, youre a regular mine of humorous stories.... Ive got tears in my eyes from laughing so much,

    Mal.

  45. #45
    Super Moderator scoota_gal's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    That was funny, Lucinda! Good one! :D

  46. #46
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    I THINK YOURE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS ...

    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

    She says hello. Hes rather taken a back because he cant place where he knows her from.



    So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think youre the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

    "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with

    all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"





    She looks into his eyes and says calmly,





    "No, Im your sons teacher."

  47. #47
    Senior Member Dennis's Avatar
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    Re: I THINK YOURE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS ..

    Quote Originally Posted by Thundergod link=1177713250/45#45 date=1180004615
    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

    She says hello. Hes rather taken a back because he cant place where he knows her from.



    So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think youre the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

    "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with

    all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"





    She looks into his eyes and says calmly,





    "No, Im your sons teacher."
    This sounds like a confession TG ?! ;D

  48. #48
    Sleep is overrated Thundergod's Avatar
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    Re: A humour thread

    I knew it was nice and quiet around her for a while, now I know why.

  49. #49
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    Re: A humour thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mal link=1177713250/30#43 date=1179997757
    I had a laugh ;D :D :)

    Bloody hell Cindy, youre a regular mine of humorous stories.... Ive got tears in my eyes from laughing so much,

    Mal.

    I have a wonderful group of friends on another forum and a father in law who keep me well supplied.

    These are the clean ones. ;D

  50. #50
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    Re: A humour thread

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 oclock in the morning by a
    loud pounding on the door...
    The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
    stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three oclock in the
    morning."
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    "Who was that?" asked his wife.
    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    "Did you help him?" she asks.
    "No. I did not. It is three oclock in the morning and it is
    pouring rain outside!!"
    His wife said, "Cant you remember about three months ago when we
    broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
    and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
    The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out
    into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you
    still there?"
    Yes," comes back the answer.
    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
    "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
    "Where are you?" asks the husband.
    The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing!!"

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