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And I thought I had a problem...

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  • And I thought I had a problem...

    The lengths we go to. I have developed a reputation for my pedantry, reading this made me chuckle.

    By Lore Sjöberg|
    02:00 AM Jan, 03, 2007

    I have a terrible addiction to coffee. Not so much the substance itself, although I have my issues with it, but with all the paraphernalia that comes along with the experience. I seem to have gotten it into my frontal lobes that the more expensive and complicated my coffee experience, the better the coffee must be.
    I scoff at people who pay a hundred dollars for a speaker wire, or who are convinced that they need a $4,000 dollar PC to send e-mail to grandma and read Funky Winkerbean online, but show me a $50 pound of coffee beans and Im sore tempted. In the past 10 years Ive gone from drinking whatever my employers provided in the break room -- with cream-mimicking, nondairy dust product, no less -- to carefully grinding my beans with a burr grinder and brewing them in a French press for exactly four minutes. There are Cirque du Soleil acts that are less intricate than my morning cup of joe.

    What Im trying to say here is that I give up. I am a love slave to the premium coffee industry, paying for the privilege of waiting for my arabica lover to come and have its way with me. Clearly Im going to be buying whatever they sell me, so heres what I think my coffee ritual is going to look like a few years from now:

    Step One: Grinding
    Current coffee grinders treat all coffee beans the same, without acknowledging the specialness of each individual caffeine carrier. The Individu-Bean 3000 allows me to insert beans one at a time, then analyzes the surface of the bean with laser technology and uses a diamond blade to carefully carve it into uniform chunks. These slide down a Teflon chute, and its ready for the next bean. It takes upward of an hour to grind enough coffee for a 6-ounce cup, but you can taste the tedium in every sip.

    Step Two: Storage
    All coffee lovers know that coffee grounds turn into the very dandruff of the Dark Lord himself if you leave them out for more than 145 seconds. Clearly Ill need a way to store the grounds while Im having each bean individually ministered to. The CafeStore 4000x creates a vacuum environment for the storage of the ground beans. Not just a vacuum in the usual sense of having very little air, but an ideal vacuum with no air, no black-body radiation, no zero-point energy, nothing but beans. According to the laws of physics, this is impossible, and as such may cause the universe to cease to exist, but isnt that worth it for the perfect cup?

    Step Three: Water
    Once the beans are all ground, assuming the universe is still around, Ill need water. For this Ill need a coffee concierge, someone adept at matching the perfect water for each mornings cup, based on the bean, the barometric pressure, my particular digestive idiosyncrasies and a host of other factors. One day I might be drinking arctic glacier water; the next, slightly filtered river water from the mouth of the Amazon. Eventually Ill probably catch some horrible intestinal disease, but in the meantime Ill be in coffee heaven.

    Step Four: Brewing
    There are many ways to introduce water to coffee, but they all concentrate on time and temperature without giving any thought to setting a mood. The JavAmor 12000mxx not only combines the grounds with the water at a perfect 205 degrees Fahrenheit, but it provides the perfect romantic mood to get the coffee and the water ready to mingle in a most intimate manner. Candlelight shines through the mixture as the later works of Eric Clapton play directly into the mixing chamber. No coffee can resist the seductive power of this ridiculously expensive device.

    Step Five: The Cup
    I dont know about you, but I think coffee tastes best when served in a Batman mug.

    So what about the beans themselves? Youve probably heard about kopi luwak, the coffee beans that have passed through the digestive tract of a civet cat. Rest assured, Im not going so far as to purchase weasel excretions. Yet. God help me.

    - - -

    Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to learn that while civet cats are not technically members of the weasel family, "weasel" is a funny word.

  • #2
    Civet Cats arent weasels?!!?

    Well, thats the last time I buy Kopi Luwak!

    But seriously, im sure we have all been there. i know i have my moments, when, looking in dismay around my kitchen after Ive made my morning cup (who is "Joe", anyway?) i realise that the benches that only moments before were pristinely clean, are ten inches deep in coffee grounds, the sink is full of milk jugs and the drip tray is overflowing -- and the dang coffee was overextracted anyway!! Its in these moments that i (i mean, not me, but a friend of mine) may have weakened and reached for the blend 43.

    These are known as "anti-coffee moments", or ACMs. To have an occassional acm is quite harmless for the "full-on coffee freak heads", or FOCK Heads, as we are known in the legalised drug trade. But chronic ACMs can lead you down the dangerous path to...***gasp!*** cure! (heaven forbid!!!).
    A typical acm, is where you order a regular coffee at a cafe, say a macchiato doppio ristretto, and your partner orders some wusy girly drink, say a strawberry mint frangipani frappe. Your coffee tastes like the blackened, essence of burnt beans (in other words like coffee) and your partners drink tastes like a tropical holiday with a free massage included!
    Yet, you order another coffee! You are addicted, my friend, and just as a cocaine junkys house is covered in white powder, yours is destined to be knee-deep in coffee grounds. You could seek help for your addiction, or hire a cleaner.
    Fortunately we still live in a society where our kind are not shunned. We dont have to skulk down sleazy alleyways to buy our beans off the one-eyed chinaman with the diamond bling. We dont have to because he owns a stree-front cafe in Paddington and his eye-patch has a Gucci label.
    So next time youre sitting in a caf, sipping your cap from a cup and pouring over the daily spews -- which typically has a headline urging us to get tough with drug addicts and throw away the key -- just pause and soak up the irony. Tip: I find cinnamon swirls just perfect for dunking and absorbing irony.

    This has been a community announcement brought to you by the Anti-Coffee Liberation Front


    • #3
      Re: And I thought I had a problem...

      Wheres my Batman mug got to now?