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Are you really a Coffee Snob?

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  • Are you really a Coffee Snob?

    Seems I don't qualify, reading through the list can only truthfully answer yes to points 8 and 12, hope I don't have to turn in my badge.

    Copied and pasted from the Food Republic web site

    13 Signs That You're A Coffee Snob

    Jun 18, 2013 9:01 am

    It takes more than a cupping spoon and a Chemex

    By Chantal Martineau

    Snobs come in all shapes and sizes. In the food world you’ll find some of the biggest snobs around, those who only eat the most hand-foraged or urban-farmed, artisanally crafted, truffled morsels. Even worse are the cocktail snobs who deliberate late into the night over proper jigger usage and whose rye whiskey is smaller-batch. (That one distilled under the Williamsburg bridge from grains grown on a rooftop in Greenpoint and cut down to proof using fresh water from the Gowanus is in the running. You know, BQEskey.) But no snob is more outrageously self-righteous than thecoffee snob. You want in on this select class of caffeinators? You better have the beans for it.

    So, how do you know you’re a true-blue coffee snob?
    1. You not only have a regular coffee bar, but a regular barista. He or she knows your usual order, which is whatever happens to be the single-origin special of the day. You have a secret crush on this person and, unbeknownst to them, you both have the same tattoo. It’s an espresso tamper.

    2. You’ve attended cuppings. Not just lame-ass beginner “Intro to Cupping 101” deals. But hardcore, extremely rare, get-your-nose-way-down-into-that-microlot-type shit. Varietal cuppings. Cuppings of coffees that retail for $20 per cup and sell at auction for $100 a pound. You’ve used descriptors like “leguminous,” “nippy” and “tastes like Kenya.”

    3. You own your own cupping spoon. It’s engraved. You once caught someone eating cereal with it and lost your motherfucking shit.

    4. You cringe at the thought of putting milk in brewed coffee. Even more so at the thought of adding sugar. Soy milk is the most abhorrent of any modifier. You find it morally reprehensible. You believe this is what it must mean to be lactose intolerant.

    5. You will allow yourself the odd iced coffee, but only as a lark. And only brewed the Japanese way. And only if it comes in a cute, stubby brown bottle.

    6. You’re so over latte art.

    7. It goes without saying, but you won’t set foot in a Starbucks. Until your fourth day in the suburbs at your in-laws’ place. Then that venti with your misspelt name on it starts to be pretty much all you can think of. You also, ironically, Instagram a photo of the cup.

    8. Ever since that time at your in-laws’, you have no qualms traveling with your own coffee supplies. At breakfast, you go right ahead and break out your hand grinder, Aeropress and craft-roasted beans. You know your father-in-law thinks you’re a dick, but it’s totally worth it.

    9. You’re kinda over Geisha, too. (Now that Starbucks serves it for $7 a cup.)

    10. You talk about Geisha to people without any explanation of what it is, assuming everyone knows it’s a rare and coveted variety of coffee that only princes and bean junkies can afford to drink on a daily basis.

    11. Brewing your morning cup requires at least seven different apparatuses, none of which is a coffeemaker. (Cheat sheet: burr grinder, scale, timer, kettle, thermometer,Chemex or other pour-over, reusable gold coffee filter.)

    12. You read coffee blogs. Or better yet, write one.

    13. You are suspicious of unsubstantiated claims of coffee snobbery. Like, when your neighbor says he’s “really into coffee,” you smile politely and say “that’s nice.” But really you’re thinking, “I bet he doesn’t even drink cortados.”

  • #2
    Sigh, I don't qualify either--but I'm not giving up my membership card!

    Instead, I'm giving up "Signs that you're a ..." articles. They're nearly always junk, and not even close to as funny as the author thinks.

    ps--notice: not even a mention of having your own espresso machine!


    • #3
      Ha! I could have written number 8. I qualify on quite a few. No cupping spoon though


      • #4
        14. Roast your own green beans--specialty grade fully traceable back to the farmer microlots, profile roasted to reveal the unique flavour characteristics of these treasures!


        • #5
          Taken from

          A Real Coffee Snob Responds To Food Republic’s “13 Signs You’re A Coffee Snob”

          Pretty funny read.


          • #6
            Well, she's a freelance writer, and she's just got exactly what she's after.....broad exposure from a single piece. Good luck to her.


            • #7
              Wish people could spell Gesha right. Then you'd qualify as a real snob.

              So I just checked the link above provided by STS........ that's my type of coffee snob! (esp #6 & #9...... well, all of them really) ;-D


              • #8
                Failed on 1. All us true coffee snobs know that no Barista can make coffee as good as we make at home.


                • #9
                  Originally posted by chokkidog View Post
                  Wish people could spell Gesha right. Then you'd qualify as a real snob.
                  True... but not true. Geisha aka Gesha comes from just one estate, Hacienda La Esmeralda in Panama. Although the estate acknowledges that the bean's origin was Gesha in S.W. Ethiopia, they also acknowledge that the bean's name was changed to "Geisha" when it was replanted in Kenya and La Esmeralda itself now refers to their Esmeralda Special as "Geisha".

                  Quoted directly from their website:

                  "Now, the Geisha beans are taking the specialty coffee world by storm. They come out of Panama, from the farm of grower Price Peterson, but their origin can be traced to Ethiopia. In 1931, the British consulate authorized the collection of ripe cherries of forest coffee (growing wild in the rainforest understory) from a region called Gesha, in southwest Ethiopia, and had them sent to a Kenyan agricultural center. The Amharic name was changed to the more familiar Japanese term. The variety eventually reached Panama in the 1960s."

                  So... who's being the pedantic coffee snob now?


                  • #10
                    Hipster 3rd wave nonsense (IMHO) cupping spoon really!


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by chokkidog View Post
                      Wish people could spell Gesha right. Then you'd qualify as a real snob.
                      Geisha was written on the bag!
                      CoffeeSnobs - BeanBay - Green Coffee - Costa Rica Geisha SHB

                      Coffee spelling is like that... Gesha and Geisha when talking about the varietal are the same thing, if talking about a geographic location then Gesha is correct. Harar, Harrar and Harrazi are all the same place too.


                      • #12
                        Geee, Andy....... I had a really well crafted retort to Vt's post that completely demolished his argument........... ;- )


                        • #13
                          Just to throw it out there on the Starbucks front, that's just become my smell test for whether people have ever experienced decent coffee.

                          Gave a few drinks/bean offerings a shot and I can say that hating on SB isn't a snobby thing; what I had is some of the saddest coffee I've ever paid money for. Regular/default roast was bitter, blonde roast was sour, both were weak as piss. I've had a more flavoursome drink from a year-old teabag.

                          That said, I was also left distinctly unimpressed with a drink from a Clover I had today, so maybe I'm just flavour-greedy.


                          • #14
                            Definitely guilty of No. 13. Not so much some of the others.


                            • #15
                              I liked being a coffee snob better 20 years ago before the 'trendies' got hold of it.
                              Now you have to put up with all the mindless psychobabble from people who are into it because they think it says something about them rather than just being something good to drink.
                              I bends my mind to be asked whether I want a long or short Macchiato or to have to call a Piccolo Latte a Cortado - or retardo or whatever name is fashionable this month.