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Cafes: what makes you head for the exit without ordering?

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  • #46
    A few of these are too judgemental IMO -

    Cleanliness of gear is a must. Awful sounds and smells are also an "instant exit" for me.

    As regards menus - a couple of years ago I visited our local, award winning (i.e. a wall full of them, quite a few Oz wide and a couple of international) "Kent St Deli". They did (and hopefully still do) excellent food of all stripes* plus pretty good coffee in a nice atmosphere "for a (modestly extra) fee".

    food of all stripes* - Anything from fish and chips to some pretty exotic specialties from a constantly changing menu. Every dish I tried was superb, and all their "made in site" drinks were good+.

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    • #47
      Commercial bean - particularly 'Vittoria' advertised anywhere.
      Big ugly cups / no 150ml cup for my Long-black .
      Lots of pensioners sitting around drinking buckets of milky swill.
      Noisy (think very noisy) surroundings.
      Elbow-to-elbow tables.
      All of the staff are 'McDonalds' age.

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      • #48
        Originally posted by TampIt View Post
        A few of these are too judgemental IMO -...
        Don't take any notice of them. They're just a bunch of snobs.

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        • #49
          Originally posted by Rocky View Post
          Lots of pensioners sitting around drinking buckets of milky swill.
          All of the staff are 'McDonalds' age.
          Rocky, no old people, no young people, you sound like you have a goldilocks age for cafes

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          • #50
            I don't know about these comments of dirty surroundings, the local council inspector would shut down any sub par establishment pretty quickly.
            Most establishments have decent gear and are clean. Some of the best are very busy and thriving, so noise and atmosphere is a must.

            Equipment is usually of a high standard, so the only way to judge the cafe, is to judge the barista.

            If they don't have any visible tattoos, then I will not enter the premises. The more the merrier these days. It seems to be a badge of honour, and is a dead giveaway.

            The other tell, is the code of dress of the barista. If they are not wearing the latest, trendiest designer t-shirt, then they are no good. Their outfit has to cost at least $1000, to signify their worth.
            If they are clean cut and wholesome, with ironed clothes, then they are beginners, and the coffee will be lousy.

            If the barista has no soul or vibe, how can they possibly relate to what is in the cup?

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            • #51
              $1000 for a T-shirt, jeans and casual shoes (no socks)? Ah, I get it. You are being funny/sarcastic, right? Whew!

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              • #52
                Originally posted by Bosco_Lever View Post
                I don't know about these comments of dirty surroundings, the local council inspector would shut down any sub par establishment pretty quickly.
                Most establishments have decent gear and are clean. Some of the best are very busy and thriving, so noise and atmosphere is a must.

                Equipment is usually of a high standard, so the only way to judge the cafe, is to judge the barista.

                If they don't have any visible tattoos, then I will not enter the premises. The more the merrier these days. It seems to be a badge of honour, and is a dead giveaway.

                The other tell, is the code of dress of the barista. If they are not wearing the latest, trendiest designer t-shirt, then they are no good. Their outfit has to cost at least $1000, to signify their worth.
                If they are clean cut and wholesome, with ironed clothes, then they are beginners, and the coffee will be lousy.

                If the barista has no soul or vibe, how can they possibly relate to what is in the cup?
                Funniest post I have read in ages!

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by bosco View Post
                  Funniest post I have read in ages!
                  Is it!

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                  • #54
                    Well, I thought it was funny...
                    Taking the piss out of hipster 'baristas' and the state of an industry that currently values image over substance is humorous.
                    Perhaps it is my skewed view, from many years working in and around hospo and seeing the evolution of coffee over that time, that makes this hilarious for me

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                    • #55
                      Snobbish owners = they talk down at you like they're doing you a favour
                      Disgruntled/angry staff = they serve you a mug of attitude
                      Dirty little corner = some cafes misinterpret the entire "vintage" theme as not needing to wipe the place down
                      Under extracted sour coffee = I like my long blacks just right

                      One other little thing would be newish staff who's clueless and never take your order properly, I can almost predict when I will be getting something left out from my order

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                      • #56
                        Another thing I have noticed - some "younguns" have a knack with getting the beans to dance (95% don't, just like oldies like me).

                        The two best recent cuppas were made by
                        1) A (female) high school student at Nannup - heading to uni in 2021 if all goes to plan
                        2) A (female) uni student at Perth concert hall

                        In the interests of fairness, the same two venues also made some of the worst coffees when a different (female) staff member "had a go", so gender does not seem to be entirely relevant.

                        Oh, and I have never even managed to obtain even a mediocre cuppa from a tattooed male, only female ones - a small sample, so that may be sheer (bad) luck.

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                        • #57
                          The growl of badly textured milk...

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                          • #58
                            The one thing that really makes me turn around quickly is the barista throwing a milk jug under a steam wand and leaving it there while they do other stuff/chat and you can hear it screaming away and just getting scalded to death.

                            If I'm being snobby... if I order a macchiato and they ask if I want it topped up...

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                            • #59
                              Originally posted by SilentBoB View Post
                              If I'm being snobby... if I order a macchiato and they ask if I want it topped up...
                              If I'm feeling difficult... I ask "Top it up with what?"
                              Then when they look stunned and say "Er...milk" I say "Oh, you mean a Flat White?"

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